If My Daughter Ran Your Coffeeshop

1. You could not get a to-go cup, sorry. Only tiny purple plastic "teecubs."
2. The muffins would look good, if a bit undersized. However, they would not be not muffins, Daddy, they would be apple bread.
3. There wouldn't be any lame speciesist bans on animals: orangutans and dogs could sit right at the table; cats and ducks could sit on it. Depending on their size, bears can sit on a chair or on the table. People have to sit on the floor. The table's only two feet high, after all.
4. Everyone would be required to occasionally (and chastely) kiss one another. Sometimes, if the cups rattle frightfully or if the need strikes her, you might have to give the manager a "duddo."
5. If you asked for some coffee, she'd pour it right from the teapot into your mouth. The cups are for show, doncha know. Scalding injuries would be for wimps.
   
6. Transubstantiation would be the name of the game. When you ask what's in the purple teapot, she would say, "Doffee." When she pours it into your mouth, and you say it's tasty, she would agree, curve-ball style: "Dasty! Ice cream dea."